| going to hell |
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| 12:07am 02/02/2008 |
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i used to think infidelity was one of the most heinous of all crimes. make no mistake i haven't. im not sure that thinking about it constitues as a crime but im pretty sure it almost does. i guess when your not beatiful and vulnerable it makes you weak. i wonder if i was truly flawless maybe i wouldnt have this problem. i need to stop leading men on.
what a situation im creating for myself. im setting myself up for the ultimate failure and dissappointment here...
this man, who is successful and cute..and new...likes me. but to be honest i dont think he just wants drinks. why am i lusting for something that will only end in disaster?
why am i flirting with disaster? or flirting at all for that matter.
i am not ready for marriage. this is a sign.
fuck
i just want to have fun and be free, is that asking so much?
i used to think my father was such a monster. he cheated on my mother. and she cheated on him to break even. this is not the path i want.
even if this sex im not going to have would be amazing, i know its not worth it. i cant do that to the man that loves me. |
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| Escapism |
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| 03:42pm 14/01/2008 |
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I knew I should be studying, not so much to better my life but to pay the bills. Serving tables was never a dream of mine but sometimes dream jobs don't pay. The same old sad story. I should be studying a menu to sell more expensive food to people who don't want it. I know a lot about food so this should be easy for me to make a buck. I should be doing this. But I'm not and I don't really think its that I'm that lazy. I should be eating but my nerves are choking my stomach to the point that I can't even swallow a half cup of coffee now luke warm. It even had vanilla laced sugar. I should pay my loans, you know the ones from culinary school and now ironically enough I'm not even cooking or baking for a living. I'm selling my soul to sell a daily special. As much as I want to believe in a better tommorow it just seems every day is straying further from what my dreams were.
They told me yesterday to focus on a section as opposed to the whole restaurant. To take baby steps. I guess even at 23 its hard to sometimes leap. This is how to avoid being overwhelmed. I just hope my stomach unclenches and I get this right tonight. I don't understand why its so difficult for me to live in the present. I always seem to be frozen in the past or gazing into the future. Fuck I wish I just wasn't so neurotic. |
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| True Calling |
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| 04:41pm 16/12/2007 |
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Ahhh politics. It is interesting how they can affect everyone. I found a job that I thought was right for me. Decent pay, elegant cakes for rich clientele, fun and independent. Then a little shy of two weeks they let me go. The boss was oc, nobody spoke English and my friend thinks its racial discrimination. She believes the old Mexicans didn't want a white girl in that position. It could be over money. I know the other Mexican cake decorator was getting paid $3 less an hour than me. She told me so. What's worse is that she told me what a good job I was doing. Fuck it. Who knows? I've never been fired and I think its very shady The past two days I've been inebriated and then curled up, in a stuper. I'm not depressed or angry anymore. But for Christ's sake, that close to Christmas? What a calous son of a bitch.
Back to job hunting.
the strangest thing is, two days before my firing, a bakery who received my resume left me a message and were hiring immediately. I called and I can't reach the owner...but how convienant. And yet...
I don't know what I was meant for. What is my calling? Maybe now is the time I should go back to school. Maybe this is a sign. I just don't know if I made the right career choice. I'm still young and UT is right in my backyard.
on the bright side since i dont have an agenda I'm coming home wednesday..the 18th? it should get my mind off my unemployment and maybe i can collect unemployment and leach off the government for a month or two. so my tme is limited but if anyone's around
oh! and if your in Austin DONT go to Russell's BAkery. all the help is illegal. |
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| He said I Have To Let Go |
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| 12:20am 08/12/2007 |
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there are many other ways i can say that. i could make it sound complex but thats not what im saying it all. i was abosolutely compelled to write this. sadly my inspiration was a combined but very dramatic 2 hours of last week's Grey's Anatomy, and then yeterdays. At the end of the night when you stay awake no matter how much good you can do, your mind is plagued and flooded by the lives you've damaged, that you couldn't save, things that cannot be undone. The other night my anxiety hit me full force, i just couldn't sleep. i was hanuted once again by my past and as far west as i've gone, or how far I've come...i need to let it go. its in the past. those people wont hurt me any longer or likewise. yes, dozens of friends have let me go. And I'm sure it hasn't affected them in the least. Anybody reading this has probably forgotten me by now...but i wont dwell. im 23. yes. i could be a mother and married. its my fault i choose the wrong friends and that we fed off each other. i was easy to abuse and they did. i have good memories. in boston, in orlando, even here now.
tonight i felt so helpless....scared living in this new place the only person i really know is mat.
and who knows? maybe that certain friend, the one who showed me around this town, who was going to move here with us...misses me too. even if she'll never admit to it.
but she cant hurt me now.
i felt like that despair was creating a void where this ideal Austin was once filled with hope in Florida.
it wont be easy. it isnt. in fact its probably my greatest challenge. but
tommorows another day i guess.
i'm burying this one. |
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| Failure |
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| 05:33pm 03/07/2007 |
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I never thought I'd end up like this. I used to have potential. I didn't feel like this before. I have no motivation. I'm not lazy but I'm miserable at work. Its hard to push myself. I'm so anxious. I'm so afraid of screwing up. I though I was going to amount to so much more than this. I wish I was more of a leader. Today Ben came back from his weekened. Everything was done on his to do list. His garnishes. The mousse was covered with ganache. The brownies cut. Everything. ANd banquets helped cut another pastry. But he came into work pissed off. He said he felt like things fell apart when he was gone. I'm not perfect but he was nitpicking about the stupidest shit.
As a whole, I just can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do. I knew growing up I was a poor athlete. I struggled at math. I was used to failure. But this is the real world. I don't know what to do. I went to school for this. I'm paying $400+ a month. I have nothing to fall back on. I feel so trapped and useless and scared. I feel so isolated at work. WHy can't things ever imrove in my life? I'm crying as I'm writing this.
I just want to succeed. But I'm never good enough. Never quite fast enough or clean enough. I wanted to transfer into another bakeshop. But I know it won't be any better. Different. But not better. This is who I am. WHo I've always been. I'm scatter brained. I'm disorganized. I'm absent minded. I don't feel respected. I'm just on a steady decline...going down in flames. I don't think I can recover from this. Even if I had gone to school for pastry I don't know if I'd work differentelty. I always make more work for myself. I wish I could think of the easier, faster more efficient way or going about things...I wish I could think and create pastries the way Ben does for special parties. I thought I was creative and I'd excel, oh a year ago. I'm going down in flames and I don't know what to do. I just wish I was a different person. I hate this dissappointment I've become.
on the bright side i got a new tattoo on my right shoulder. Its an electric blue flower, a sort of Hibiscus/ lotus combination, with pink cherry blossums. ANd my birthday is June 7th. FUCK. I'll be 23....Jesus. My mom was married at 21. I came to Florida when I wasn't even old enough to drink. 23 sounds so old. 21 was amazing. Then 22 crept along. The years are certainly flying by. I really am starting to appreciate my young waifish looks. When I get carded I smile. When I'm told I look 18, I laugh. Its a blessing I suppose. These damn happy pills better start to kick in soon.. |
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| Beacon of Hope |
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| 05:59pm 09/04/2007 |
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Work was making me ill. That may be a Southen phrase. I don't even know anymore. I started eating again. The knot's started to loosen in my stomach. I think I put on an extra pound of two this week. I lost close to 10 pounds within a two week span and everyone noticed. I got compliments. Not that I was big before...But now that I'm eating again I'm watching just how much. When you lose weight you really don't want it back. I fit into a pair of pants that didn't fit around the time I went to Massachusetts. And now they're loose! I'm less stressed at work and focusing more. There's a faint light at the end of my tunnel. I really just wanted to leave the Grand I was so miserable but I've been working a new station this week and I may be a second person for Citrico's desserts come the summer. I didn't know if the chef's would let me be that person but Amanda told me to keep my eyes and ears open for opportunities like that. SO the chef took a mental note. That made my day and my week. Today Ben said I did a good job. I was a lot more organized. I simply tried to have a good time. Attitude makes such a difference. Its my Friday. I wanted to go to Animal Kingdom today but its a blocked out day so I can't get in until next week. Bummer. I think I may actually clean my car and I should hit the gym.
There is hope at work. And some peace. I probably won't transfer. I am at the best bakeshop on Disney property after all. Anything else is a step down. |
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| Exposition Emoest Ever |
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| 06:44pm 19/03/2007 |
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mood:  blah music: The New, "Interpol"
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There is actually a chill here creeping into my apartment. In FLorida. I'm alone in my apartment. I am such a mess. And everything was going so well for so long. I went home and unlike in June it wasn't great. I feel almost indifferent about it. I think that since June I feel different and I think a lot of other people have changed too. What can you do? I can just see lives diverging. I guess I'm just battling a few issues. I grew up awfully fast. ANd while my friends and my sister are still in college (many are graduating soon.) I really feel like I missed out. And I do regret this. I wish I was learning. I wish I was in a dorm again, meeting new people my own age. I work with middle aged bitter Hispanic people. I feel so disconnected from everything. I'm losing my memory, losing touch with world events. I haven't painted in years. I hardly sketch. I haven't seen a show in months. I've been soul searching yet again. I hardly know who I am anymore. If anyone reads this still I'm sure they're sick of my rambling. I just want to up and go and discover someplace new. There are few things I'm really good at but thats one. I can find a way to leave everything behind. And in my journeys I always long for home. |
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| Alice |
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| 10:52pm 03/03/2007 |
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mood:  melancholy music: Minus the Bear
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I need this vacation. It is a desperate need not a want. My job has just destroyed me inside. I'm so anxious and nervous. I think I'm just a glutton for the abuse. Anyone would say just leave but its not that easy. I love what I do I just feel like I don't belong there...but I've never felt i've fit in anywhere. I work with gay guys and women. Who knew there would be a hierarchy and drama? I just can't be as good and fast as I want to be. I know when I'm not invited with certain people. I'm so used to this. The story of my life. God damn. I just want to curl up and call in and not show up. I'm so fucking nice to everybody why is that not good enough? Where am I going to find the strength and courage to really be successful? Why am I made of paper and feathers? How am I this easily defeated? I guess I'll eventually move on to somewhere else. I'll try not to get too close to people because then they'll see what a lovely mess I really (still) am. I like getting to know people casually. But fuck everybody really. I just hope I can be saved. I really need a hug and someplace warm and safe. I used to think I was so strong and independent but I have such a long road ahead of me with so many obstacles.
Today some guy asked me out. It felt so good. Why do I need this? How could have I let my self-esteem depleat this much? Jesus Christ. I should be getting stronger and more confident. I'm not 16 anymore. I really hope that going home will refuel and re-energize my badly broken soul. I want to smile and feel again. I want to fill the hollow ego with bravado. I want my passion back. I want to feel witty and strong again instead of this auto pilot I've become. If anything I am relapsing into the same doe- eyed, scared child. A little girl who lost her way. An empty Alice in Wonderland. |
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| Napping takes priority over my to-do list. |
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| 08:42pm 27/01/2007 |
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mood:  restless music: Gary Jules, "Mad World"
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If I don't leave the Grand FLoridian I am going to lose my mind completely. I don't know how one place can do this to a person. I have never felt so much negative energy in one place before. It makes me claustrophobic as it pushes in every direction. Something about tolerating some nasty people for days that turn into weeks, into months and lastly into two years is adding wrinkles to my brow. AS each day passes I grow wearier. Its hard not to feel like I'm sinking. If it isn't the chefs or the same bullshit from conventions I know I will imminently snap. When I left work I mentally tried to inventory my to-list. These things shouldn't take more than an hour but I just don't want to do the paper work and they get pushed back. I leave work with ipod in hand and my sweatshirt hugging my shrinking frame and leave. Another day. Tommorow will be the same. I can't do this for much longer. I don't anticiapate going home to an empty, unorganized apartment. I am longing for something more. |
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| The Power of Release |
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| 05:29pm 25/01/2007 |
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mood:  good music: Lily Allen, "Smile"
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There is a great feeling of relief when I throw out pounds of paperwork. I love to free myself from obligation. I also love to scan all the rooms of my place looking for junk, and just liquadating garbage. I'm smiling typing this because I'm learning to let go, finally. It gives me some strength and satisfaction to leave all this. Done it once, I can do it again. I keep fantasizing about packing, waving goodbye and driving away. Anywhere but here. I'll take some crazy memories with me. God, there have been so many people that have come and gone since I've been here. People from Minnesota, Puerto Rico, Russia. It gives me so much hope of a better job with enough pay to not break even but to save money. I'm dreaming of driving into sunsets...unraveling maps of the west coast. Me and Mat, alone in this world. But at least I'm not alone.
Where would I be without him? He's the one when I'm late for work who lays out my uniform and feeds the cat. He's the one who pushes me out of bed for work when I don't want to go. When I'm in tight money situations who writes a check and never expects anything in return? He's the only one I want to see at the end of my day, and all week yearn for my Friday when I can stay up late enough to see him come home from work. I feel that way after living together for two years, still. And now we're bound to the same destiny. (or something like that) The days that seem unbearable at work are only temporary. Theres no garentee that I'll be happier someplace else, but at least I know nothing is keeping me here. I'm no prisoner. I can't wait for May when the lease is up and we will have a new place to call home |
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| When the energy in an energy drink runs out |
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| 08:49pm 20/01/2007 |
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Every time I come on here, theres a new format. Eventually I will post something positive. I just feel so...drained. I feel so, weak. God, what happened to me? Last year my new years resolution was to be a better person. And I became a total pussy. A girl at work told me I don't stand up for myself enough. I need to be more confident at my job. I just can't. This year I vowed to be in shape. And so far, I've cut back on soda, fried food and gone to the gym a few times a week. I'm trying to play the good housewife and clean (and when did I become domestic?) To pay the bills, TRY to go out and have a few drinks and a life. Try to go go go after work. There is just never enough time. I really want to learn to surf if I leave FLorida, which I'm pretty sure I will. If I go home, I can be debt free. I can go backpacking in Europe finally and not worry about the rent.
Somone told Mat that he had lived in South Africa. I know people who lived in the southwest, Colorado, California....everywhere. I'm too much of a nomad to stay anywhere for long. Screw the cost, I can make it happen cheap. But I promise: Someday i will surf. I will make it to Europe. I AM still working out. For once in my life I will finish something I started. If I can get my ass off the couch. |
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| A Few Empty Promises |
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| 09:59pm 19/08/2006 |
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I guess they're not really promises, but goals. Lets see, all I have to do is look around my apartment. O.K. I was going to stop drinking. Ha. well I guess one drink a day isn't so bad. I was going to work out. 5 minutes of crunches won't solve anything. I have an empty canvas that should be painted with orange and crimson orchids for the bedroom. I was really going to paint today. Really. I was going to get a new job or a second one. Well I have been better about paying the bills on time. I should take more risks at work and be less intiminated by the pretentious little fucks I kind of want to spend time with outside of work but not really. I really would rather spend time with people at least 25 years of age or older. I keep saying I'll stay off myspace. I go on it a few times a week but its getting really lame. OOOOOHHHH YEAHHHH
and the big one. Spend Less Money. or work more...heh
But the other day I had to have that shirt at Urban Outfitters. I bought it with a guilty pleasure. I swear shopping is like a heroin addiction sometimes. I know I don't have the money but I wanted that cute knit grey and red shirt with the all over heart pattern.
God damn.
I need to grow a spine. ANd i need to lock myself in the house so I don't spend money. That didn't work last week, I bought some crap online.
Oh man, I'm fucked.
WHich brings me to the point I wanted to make:
I might move back. I might pack up with my tail between my legs back to North Fucking Reading. If I do I can't wait to say to some people, "SO, your still as friendly as ever!"
I'm fond of the idea. I can save money. The pay is pretty decent in Boston. I can visit Maine and Vermont and Canada. Go to the Cape. Maybe learn to snowboard. It doesn't snow in Florida. That is one goal I PROMISE to keep if I do. This is if all my other options are exhausted.
Today I cleaned the walk in for 30 minutes and I couldn't bear a half hour in a 30 degree cooler. 9 months of that is going to suck. Hardcore. |
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| Opportunity To Grow |
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| 12:11am 08/08/2006 |
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I have met many crazy people in my former New England life (which would be this old picture taken about two years ago) and my contemporary life here in the Sunshine state. Yesterday my mom hands the phone over to our very street saavy, former restaurant owner/investor neighbor. She's a little inebriated, slurring her speech and repeating herself. She says something about my mom trying to get people into Walt Disney World for free on behalf of my hospitality. SHe asks me how serious I was about moving to Arizona (which I am.) She tells me she knows legit people, cops, and she could set me up there. The pays pretty decent, its up and coming in the food and beverage industry and its cheaper to live. I start seeing stars and the usual delusions. Maybe in a year. I might have to sell almost everything I have and letting go isn't easy. I may have only my car and whatever I can pack into it. Two years in Florida was...interesting but I can't see this place as home. I think theres more wandering for me yet. The cat's coming with me though. She's my baby.
Western ho?
Also. I went to Whole Foods last week. I'm like a kid in a candy store. I binge shop. Quinoa, flax seed in bulk? yes. Goat cheese and polenta? yes. Well, I also picked up a Vegetarian starter kid for a lady I work with. Its by PETA. I felt disgusted, and strangely, inspired.
I needed someting in my life. I'm trying to live a healthier lifestyle. Well, I lost my appetite for meat and its been 4 meatless days in counting. I'm trying to see how long I can feign my body into being satisfied without my favorite proteins. I've been trying to get creative and full. I made a lasagna the other night. Today I ate a Ceasar salad wrap and a few days ago I had a burritto. So far so good. I have a much clearer conscience. Its a test. I want to see how much self will I have and possibly lower my cholesterol and flatten my tummy. I guess drinking less beer could help with that too. |
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| I'm back! |
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| 11:21pm 19/05/2006 |
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I can't believe it! Its been almost a year since I've posted. I forgot my password and by chance tonight I was guessing passwords and i got it! hahah. I'll probably forget again and I'm sure everyone's taken me off their buddylist. Ironically enough my last post was informing the public that I'd be coming home. Which is the case this time as well! I'm coming home June 9-13. I'm so upset that I haven't seen some people in 2 years now. That's life I suppose. Now that I have my password I'll write something intelliget later but I haven't posted since August. amazing. I'm back!
<3 Crystal |
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| I'm Coming HOME!!! |
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| 11:47pm 29/07/2005 |
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Attention everybody:
so after begging my chef, i have been awarded some vacation time. its probably not paid but im not too concerened.
i will have the 21-27 of Augst off.
I don't have many expectations but i must have decent pizza, and CHinese FOod. Hopefully in Boston. the same day i arrive.
i need to go to Newbury COmics. no such place exists here.
ANd, i need to browse in H & M> alas, no such franchise has travled further south than New York
i am soooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!!!
can you tell?!
hope to see somebody. if anyone's intersted, lemme know:
my cell is 508 265 8866. |
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| Sunshine Been Keepin' Me Up for Days |
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| 10:10pm 18/07/2005 |
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For anyone who still reads this:
I called in sick today. Its the first time EVER since I've been a slave to Disney that I have. ANd that means since last September I have always showed up. The job is killing me. My right arm is stained with the afflictions of the kitchen, red zebra stripes from hot pans and oven racks. Polka dots from hot grease. Last night was a nightmare. I burned like 6 pizzas, I usually burn half that a night. I dropped 3 pans of salmon, and spilled scalding pork juice on my thighs. Blah Blah blah...Then my chef yelled at me for not using the soup and sauce reheats from the night before. The other girl Darcy on the line with me almost quit. I was so tempted. Fuck you guys, you work me like a dog and pay me less than that. Cooking is hard no matter where you are, and I know that but for the pay I couldn't care less...
Feeling lousy never felt so good.
Today I slept until 4 in the afternoon. Around 7 I bought the new Harry Potter and at Super Target I bought instant Thai soup, good artisan bread, and green tea for a swift recovery. I also picked up a Red Bicycle Merlot (its French) with a $2 coupon. I feel so hip. ha. I love being 21, it is just as good as you can imagine it will be...
So since my last entry I have drank my first Margarita and chocolate Martini legally. ANd bought a 6-pack of Guiness to boot.
I also discovered a yuppy community on the outskirts of Orlando, true story! Finally I can buy expensive baby produce and organic everything at WHole Foods, buy used records and cds and go to a real coffee house where nobody has a W sticker or a Southeren accent. This town is so religious and backwards I get dirty looks from red trucks everyday because my car has a Make Jobs not War sticker on the bumper.
So just a few minutes ago I saw a special on the Kennedy women. ANd i am missing Massachusetts once again... *sigh |
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| when paths cross |
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| 08:30pm 28/04/2005 |
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Isn't it amazing to think that not to long ago, there were people we didn't talk to in high school. and before you know it we've all moved on and onward, sprawling out in every direction from a small class of seniors, who soon become adults and dot every corner of the globe? and some of these people will bump into your mom, people who may not have liked you years ago will someday be serving your mom steak tips and be trully happy for you, while viewing recent photographs. well i think its great. and im over it but im glad we can move on and forget the past and still keep in touch. MIchelle Dardeno was the waitress and has heard about me from Krista and Laura and said i looked so good and happy. i wonder how she is, and everybody else in my grade. well the ones worth knowing not the addicts and losers, sorry.
on my myspace i found about 3 people i went to school with , and my god we look so old! i cant believe we really look like college kids or adults. when did this happen? well except me i still look 16...
tonight im going out to eat and clubbing with the people i work with who are either almost 30 or over. and i dont care..not many people work full time at 20..
i know i say that alot
im sorry..
but they're good people....
im glad im not 30 though...im not ready for marriage and kids yet...but when im with them i feel so old, like i should be ready for it...i must remind myself im only 20, and 21 in June...
Growing old never felt soo....complicated or different...
but im happy now and its taken most of my life to get where i am, which must be pretty high. i just hope i can go higher and not down from here. |
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| 10:54pm 29/03/2005 |
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I'm sitting scantly clad, clashing striped panties from Victorias Secret splashed with orange and blue and a Delias polo shirt. Its horizontal lines are Easter pastel shades of baby blue and buttercup. The fan whips air at a medium pace. Life is comfortable. Enough to put a smile on my face with the right tune, as if driving off into the credits of a decent movie.
Today Elizabeth and I ate outside at Quizno's ...the sky was postcard perfect. ANd we decided that something about the palm trees made us happy. Mists of water hit our faces. and gesturing with our hands we tried to explain why the universe was expanding. For dessert, we moved next door in the brightly painted plaza to Maggie Moos for ice cream. Its the kind of place where they mash the ice cream in front of you with toppings. If I retire I'll open a carefree place like that...
for some reason, and maybe its just the spread of melanin stining my skin tan...but it feels good to be alive and here right now...
I went to a seminar about the GRand and i won a package from the raffle compliments of the spa. i never win anything. a jar of sugar scrub, a t-shirt and ruby red grapefruit moisturizer. its amazing i work there, the luxurious amenties that pass me everyday. I met the chef from Narcossees. and i have hope that someday, i may work there. or even Victoria and ALberts. as long as I stay at the Grand, who knows?
I try to keep the hope alive, that success will reward me. everyday of hardwork will push me closer to better pay and a more promising future.
It all seems very surreal sometimes..
But i just want to say, i've made countless sacrifices, but its for the greater good. and people who are afriad to move and live their dream can do it. i drove down the eastern seaboard, with an uncle and a carfull of a former life...
and here I am With two brilliant people, two rats and a free life....
and its possible, nobody has to rot in North Reading or Dover... i don't know, just don't settle I guess. thats all... |
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| so as I'm driving |
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| 01:52am 19/03/2005 |
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and as the music sotfly coaxes me mind into thinking about the motion picture that is my life, it occurs to me just how many friends I've lost moving down to Florida. I think of Vaneessa, randomly, and wonder h ow she is. Its been since December since I called her last, ans she doesn't call me...and so out of high school friendships either dissipate or pause and then resume as if nothing was lost.
I'd like to pretend it doesn't bother me, that these people are gone. Or ex-boyfriends whose names taunt me on instant messenger. I don't bother them and they don't contact me. It hurts. These are people who were supposed to be friends. How can you be broken up with someone for over a year, and after having coffee and talking casually (for months). it just ends...
why can't i be friends with my ex's? Could I if i was single? was it that intimate that friendship is just cruel?
I don't know...
and i can pretend it doesn't bother me but it does.
and no matter what anyone says i am a good person. i am a good friend and I've been misunderstood for too long.
It felt good to move away, to exude this person i wanted to become. but i can't escape my past.theres a part of me that is that girl from North Reading "wallowing in her mediocracy." |
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| meh |
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| 03:05am 12/03/2005 |
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SoMetimes i just don't know how or why i can be two completely different people at home and then at work. Its more than just the chef coat and the m.c. hammer pants. I can do everything on the to-do-list (if its a slow night)at the job: peel cucumbers, slice radishes, thaw and cook the shrimp blah blah and with the neat flick of a pen, its finalized, the task is done...
But then at home, I'm drowning under bills, or awaiting bills and phone calls and responsibility. why have i not gotten a car insurance bill from All State? I just switched car insurance: fun. My car's sounds tinny and hollow and its not the belts and I have no idea how the mechanics of my car operate, thats money I dont have and ignoring it somehow won't change the problem. I need to bargain with the loan companies because I can't afford to pay $300 a month..and still eat. Its very stressful. ANd to make matters worse I don't keep record of how much money is in either of my two accounts
Thank God i dont have a credit card....
Its useless to complain, I know what I need to do:
Become 21, and buy a lot of alcohol. FAST.
The house is a mess and Im working overtime, which I so desperately need. I know i can't live luxoriously at 20. nobody does, not in college or immediately after. I know this. OH God, now I need to clean. Mat's beckconing..
its either dishes or the insightly infection of the carpet which happens to be almost every article of clothing Mat and I own.
My question is, Is this living?!
I guess I could be stuck in a foot of snow. True
But why aren't all adults depressed? or in midlife crisis?
Hell IM HAVING A MID-Mid life crisis.
Well..tommorows another day...I'll sleep this off and accept it the way every other sad soul does...- |
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cryddlercrab's journal